Now for Something Completely Different
Now for Something Completely Different were two e-wrestling skits written by Wevv Mang in September 2006 for the Vertigo Royal Rumble. The skits feature Psychotic Wrestling Alliance e-wrestler, Dalby Sound, getting into a verbal spat with celebrity David Hasselhoff. The segment was re-posted as part of The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The PWA Years. Promo ''Skit#1: ''Dalby is in the Payroll dressing room, getting ready for the Rumble. He has his headphones on, but seems agitated. He turns up the volume, and tries to focus. Finally, he yanks the headphones off his head, and we can all hear cheering and singing. Dalby gets up, and exits the dressing room. In the hallway, a press of people crowds the halls. Dalby pauses surprised by the scene. The people are all speaking in a harsh language. The music is noticeably louder, even over the babble of voices. Dalby pushes his way through the people, who look surprised, but offer no resistance. Dalby finally makes his way the ten feet to a door. A huge gold star is on the front, with the name: David Hasslehoff on it. Four large men stand in front of the door, arms crossed. Velvet ropes keep an open space between the crowd, holding notebook pads, pens, cameras, and pictures of David Hasslehoff, away from the door. Dalby starts to step over the rope, when one of the beefy security guards stops him. '''Security Guard: Vat do you tink you’re doing? You must stay behind ze line! Dalby: Listen Fritz, I have a match to prepare for, and I can’t do that with this racket going on! The crowd gasps. The other security guards move to stand behind the first one. '''Security Guard:' Vat did you say? Did you call de music of Ze Hoff…racket?!? De Hoff is ze greatest musician in ze world! You stupid Americans! ZE Hoff is de best! DE BEST! Helmut! Siegfried! Remove dis…filth! The guards crack their knuckles and start to move towards Dalby. The crowd has begun to mutter angrily as well. From behind the door, the singing has stopped, and the door opens. David Hasslehoff steps into the hallway, and crowd goes nuts. '''David Hasslehoff:' Hey guys! What’s going on? Security Guard: Nothzink Mr. Hasslehoff, sir! Ve vere just about to remove zis…dog! Hasslehoff: No need to be rude, I’m sure he’s just a fan who wanted an autograph. I’ll take care of him. Security: No need, Mr. Hasslehoff sir. Go back to singing ze beautiful music. If you would, would you zing ze “Rhinestone Cowboy?” It’s my favorite. Dalby: Hasslehoff! You can't even write your own songs, you just ruin other people’s! Hasslehoff: Hey pal! I got permission to sing those songs! And they liked what I did with them! Dalby: HA! They never heard what you did to them, did they? Hasslehoff: My ex-wife put you up to this didn't she? Listen friend, I’ve gone platinum five times. I’ve been on hit TV shows. I was in the number one movie of the summer “lick” and now I’ve got a book. I don't have time for you. Dalby: You music sucks. Your shows were about tits, a car, and idiots. Your book isn't fit for toilet paper. Face it Hoff, you suck! Hasslehoff: Oh, I get it. This is some wrestling thing, isn't it? Everyone knows that wrestling is fake. That’s why my fans have traveled half way across the globe, so that they can see their favorite star win this Battle Rumble. Dalby: It’s Royale Rumble you moron! Hasslehoff: Whatever. I’m going to win it. I mean, why else would Sweet Lou invite me here? I’ll tell you what. The real reason I’m here is to sing for these people. They all came to see me. The only question about me in this match, is which song I’m going to sing afterwards. You and I both know that, so, to show there’s no hard feeling, I’ll make sure you get a good seat for my performance after I pin everybody. Dalby: Oh yeah? How would you like to have a warm-up match between you and me? Hasslehoff: Let’s let the PEOPLE decide! People, do you want to see me wrestle….what’s your name? Dalby: Dalby Sound. Don't forget it. Hasslehoff: DALBY SOUND everyone! What do you say people? The crowd goes nuts. Women swoon. A rousing “SIEG HOFF!”SIEG HOFF!” “SIEG HOFF!” chant rings out. '''Hasslehoff:' You got it! I’ll see you in the ring! David waves to his fans and heads back into his dressing room. The crowd is still rowdy, and Dalby knows better than to stick around, and escapes. 'Skit#2 ''Lou is walking backstage, being trailed by a herd of assistants. The halls are packed with people, some of them taking photos, others speaking a strange language and pointing at things, while a camera rolls. '''Lou:' …any other problems, just have them talk to me. I want this to go off without a hitch! This is going to be HUGE! Through the crowd, rudely pushing aside the tourists, A woman approaches Lou. '''Woman:' Mr. Lou! I am Svetlana, Mr. Hasslehoff’s agent. We need to talk. Lou: What’s up? I’m very busy right now. Svetlana: Mr. Hasslehoff has decided to grant the fans their request and accepted the challenge of one Dalby Sound. A gasp escapes the crowd. Lou is speechless, surprised by the sudden silence. '''Lou:' I really don't think that’s wise…having a match before his Battle Royal appearance… Svetlana: DO NOT QUESTION MR. HASSELHOFF DUMKOPF! Please, excuse me, it is the excitement of seeing Mr. Hasslehoff in action affecting me, ya? So, Mr. Hasselhoff has graciously decided to give the fans a taste of what’s to come in this Rumble Battle Mania Event of yours. Mr. Hasslehoff doesn't want to win right away. He would like tp put on a show, make the fans think he might lose. See his brilliance? He wants this wrestler person to hit him a few times, and then David will hit him, but he wants the wrestler to stay on his feet, and not fall down right away, and then David will retreat, and act like he is having a hard time, and then- Lou: Um Svetlana, I don't think Mr. Hasslehoff realizes that our wrestling is not fake. It’s real, and I don't think Dalby is going to go along with Mr. Hasslehoff’s plan’s. Svetlana: Was? Oh, of course. JA, DE WRESTLING IS NOT FAKE! JA TOTALLY! (In a stage whisper) Very clever Mr. Lou! Ve don't want to disappoint all these people, ja? They came to see David fight! Here is Mr. Hasslehoff’s plans for de match, you just give them to this Dalby fellow, ja? (IN a loud voice) JA! MR. HASSLEHOFF IS IN FOR A REAL FIGHT! I VOULDN’T VANT TO MISS DIS, JA? Svetlana smiles at Lou and walks away. Lou watches her go, then crumples up the paper and throws it on the floor. He shakes his head. '''Lou:' YA! I vouldn’t vant to miss this! This might just be worth this hassle. Let’s go people, we got a show to do! See also *''The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang - The PWA Years'' Category:Promos Category:The Nearly Complete Works of Wevv Mang Category:Segments